I’m sitting here at 3 AM, my laptop screen the only light in the room, trying to figure out who to address this to. Funny how a lifetime boils down to this – me, alone, writing to strangers on the internet because there’s no one else left to tell.
I’m 47, and I’ve never known what it feels like to be truly loved. Not the romantic kind – I mean the simple, pure love that’s supposed to come from family. The kind that makes you feel like you belong somewhere in this vast, cold world.
When Dad took his life, he took mine too. I was just a kid, but I remember their eyes. The way my family looked at me, pointed fingers, told me to my face that I was to blame. Then came the foster homes. Different houses, same emptiness. They say time heals all wounds, but some cuts just keep bleeding.
My own kids… God, that’s the part that breaks me most. When your own son tells you the family would be better off if you were dead, something inside you just… shatters. My grandkids are too young to understand any of this. Maybe that’s a blessing.
I haven’t had a friend in four years. Four years of talking to walls and confiding in my pets. My cats purr and my dogs wag their tails, but they can’t tell me why I’m not enough. Why I’ve never been enough.
I survived things that would make most people’s skin crawl. Molestation. Rape. Kidnapping. I fought through it all, rebuilt myself from the ashes again and again. But it’s the silence that’s killing me now. The endless echo chamber of my own thoughts. The weight of carrying every burden alone.
I’ve watched my dreams crumble like sand castles in the tide. Every goal I’ve set, every small hope I’ve nurtured – gone. They all told me I wasn’t enough, would never be enough. I spent decades trying to prove them wrong.
But maybe they were right all along.
To whoever reads this – I want you to know I tried. God, how I tried. I fought until my knuckles bled and my spirit broke. But sometimes fighting isn’t enough. Sometimes you run out of reasons to keep throwing punches at the dark.
This isn’t a cry for help. It’s a goodbye letter to a world that never wanted me in the first place.
Goodbye!!
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