Some days, it feels like the universe is running a cruel experiment on me. I stacked up all the right achievements—bachelor’s, master’s, perfect GPA, the kind of academic resume that gets you a handshake and a “wow, you’re impressive” at family gatherings. I followed the script. I worked hard, kept my head down, did everything that teachers and guidance counselors said would “open doors.”
So why do all the doors keep slamming shut?
I’ve been applying to jobs for months now. Not the jobs people joke about hating, but the kind that are supposed to mean something—the nonprofit gigs, the “make the world better” roles. I wanted to believe my work could matter, that someone would see what I bring to the table and give me a shot. But all I’ve gotten is silence, or worse: a polite “no thanks” email, if I’m lucky.
It’s hard not to let this grind you down. It’s hard not to start believing that every bit of work, every late night, every anxious exam, was just a big waste of time. It’s hard not to wonder if I’m just not good enough—even with the degrees, the grades, the everything. It feels like the world’s telling me, over and over, that I’m not what it wants.
And honestly? My depression has been getting louder. I keep replaying old losses—my dad’s suicide, my mom’s decision to leave me in foster care. The world felt unstable back then, too, but at least I had the fantasy that if I worked hard enough, I could build something safe for myself. Now I’m not so sure. Now I just feel…tired. More worthless than I have in years.
People like to say, “It’ll get better.” But when you’re in it—really in it—that sounds like a cruel joke. I don’t want to work in fast food or telemarketing, not because I’m above it, but because it feels like I fought so hard to climb out of a hole, only to end up right back at the bottom. I wanted to do something that mattered. I wanted to prove to myself, and maybe to my mom, that I was enough.
But I guess the truth is, I don’t know what happens next. I can’t wrap this up with a bow or some motivational quote. All I know is that I’m still here. Still applying, still waking up, still battling the part of me that says it’s all pointless.
If you’re out there, feeling the same way, I want you to know: you’re not the only one. I don’t have answers, but I have the stubbornness to keep showing up, even when it feels like nothing I do matters. And maybe, for now, that’s all we can do.
If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening. I hope you find a reason to keep showing up tomorrow, too.
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