Introduction:
I have posted a lot of educational and informative things on this blog, but very few personal thoughts on here. I want to step back from what I’ve been doing on this blog and try something new. I want to let you all know the real me and what it’s like to be me. I want you to know what it’s like to go a day in my shoes. This isn’t going to be easy for me because I don’t open up to people. I don’t trust people and feel like if they know my weaknesses, then that’s ammunition for them to use against me later on down the road. So please bear with me as I bare my soul and try to tell you what it’s like to be me.
Waking Up:
Every morning when I wake up, I cry and half the time I get angry. The reason for this is that every night before I fall asleep I pray to that higher power (whoever it may be) to please not let me wake. Please let me die in my sleep. To let my suffering finally be over. But every morning I open my eyes and know that I’m going to have to face another day of misery and headache. Another day of flashbacks and negative thoughts.
To Loathe One’s Self:
Do any of you know what it’s like to truly hate yourself? To feel so worthless and useless? It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I can barely look at myself in the mirror without crying. Part of me feels like I have so much I want to do and I have the potential to do great things and to open doors for others like me that have been sealed for so long. But the other part of me feels like such a waste. Like my life has no meaning and like my mom was right all those years ago when she said I was a mistake and that I should have never been born. I can still hear her voice saying those words to me 40 years later. It’s like a record that keeps playing over and over again in my head.
Morning Routine:
After about 30 or 40 minutes of laying in bed and screaming at the dogs to stop rushing me, that I’ll take them out in a minute, I finally get up and most days don’t bother showering, washing my face, or anything else for that matter. I grab the leashes, put my earbud in my ear, turn on the music, take a deep breath, remind myself that my dogs will keep me safe, and walk out the door and down the sidewalk. The whole time I’m outside with my dogs I don’t look up. I stay focused on the concrete and the music playing in my ears. I know that if I look up and see my surroundings I will more than likely start going into a panic attack and start pulling the dogs back home without letting them finish doing their business.
Once I get back inside, I go back to my bedroom ( I really don’t know why I even have a one-bedroom apartment because I never leave my bedroom), grab my computer, and start looking up stuff and asking Google all kinds of off the wall questions that pop into my head, trying to pass the time until it’s time to go back to bed.
Unwanted and Unappreciated:
Most days my son drops my grandbaby off and heads to work with no conversation between us. He knocks on the door, I open it, he walks her in, tells her he loves her and walks right back out the door. I go back in my room for a second and try to fight back tears so that my grandbaby doesn’t see me crying and I have to make up a lie about what’s wrong so she doesn’t know how unloved her daddy makes me feel. I fix her some breakfast, turn the TV on for her, and go back to my bedroom and either start playing games on my phone, do my schoolwork, or find something else to do on the computer to occupy my mind.
At this point, I still haven’t even glanced at myself in the mirror. I avoid the mirror as much as I possibly can. I take my medication, even though I know it doesn’t do much good. The only thing it seems to help with are the anxiety and panic attacks. But the depression and the extremely low self-esteem never seem to ease up. It’s hard for anyone dealing with depression, but when you have medication-resistant depression it can be extremely difficult to get through the days.
I sit and look at my phone and keep asking myself why am I paying a phone bill every month just to listen to music and play games. Not a single person calls or texts me. I’ve met people online and eventually given them my phone number, but after about a week of talking with me, they usually disappear. And for me, that’s just more proof of how messed up I am in the head. Nobody wants to be friends with me. Just shows me how crazy and insane I really am.
Then come the tears again as I think about just how lonely I am. How much I would love to have a friend to talk to and joke around with, except I can never seem to relax enough to joke around with anyone. I’m always so worried about sounding stupid, that I can’t even pay attention to what the person is saying because I’m too busy thinking about what I’m going to say when it’s my turn to speak again.
Distraction Time:
That’s usually when the music comes on and I start cleaning my house even though it’s not even dirty. It’s my go-to when my thoughts are becoming too much for me to handle. I think about how I would love to be able to tell someone, anyone, just how depressed I am, but I know I can’t because where I live the first thing they want to do is lock you up somewhere, thinking that they are helping keep you safe, but in reality that’s the last thing I need to happen. I’ve been through that so many times and it only makes me more depressed when I come out I’ve lost my animals, my home, and everything that was important to me inside my home. So I keep it all inside and put on a smile in front of people, never letting it show just how depressed I really am.
The cleaning, singing, and depressing thoughts go on for the rest of the day until before I know it, it’s already dark outside. And I get even more depressed because once again I have accomplished absolutely nothing the whole day except feeling worse and worse about myself.
Bedtime Routine:
The night is coming to an end and I lay down in my bed. I do some meditation on some of the apps I have downloaded on my phone and feel no different than I had felt the whole day when I was finished. I close my eyes and start my usual prayer, “Higher power, if you really do exist, I beg of you to please end my suffering. Please when I fall asleep tonight I beg you and plead to you don’t let me wake up in the morning. Let it all be over. Take me to be with you in peace and happiness and where I will finally feel loved and wanted.
Conclusion:
That’s a typical day for me. It’s not pretty and it’s not relaxing or joyful. There is no laughter or smiles (except when in front of other people). It’s just tears and tears and more tears. Negative thought after negative thought. Having a mental illness sucks and unless you have lived with it you can never fully understand what it’s like to have it. So that’s me in a nutshell and now you have a better picture of the person who is writing this blog every day. Hope this doesn’t scare any of you away from my blog, but I won’t be surprised if it does.
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